I decided that it was time to write again.

Ha.


Go figure.

Hey all...

Apparently my life has been offensive to somebody I care about. This will be my last LJ.

You all know my number:) Take care!

Did I really hear from a long long time old lost friend who breeds Great Danes today?
Did somebody really storm into my office with manboobs?
Did I actually go to "random-place-only-known-to-me" at lunch?
Did I really get more than 20 spams on viagra?
Jimminy. The manboobs first thing in the morning would have been enough.



Seriously.

I know.


Here's the deal. Things are going so completely amazing right now...that words cannot do any of it justice.

Lets just say, that a LONG LONG time dream of mine is about to come true.

And other things as well...I found a fabulous person to care for my children, I have finished the training re-structure at work....

I like the fact that hard work, and persistence, and good people around you willing to help at given moments in time pay off. I seriously was beginning to doubt. But people just like angels are surrounding me right now. I am LUCKY to know them.

But now, I can take a deep breath and know that the beginning of what I have wanted to do for the last 8 years is almost here. Just around the bend.

The thing is...its a good thing to do in its own sake, even if it never makes a single cent. And that is, more than anything, what I want.

Of course, I will still have to work....I will still do training...I will still be me...but now I will have something to say at the end of me if someone is to ask me what I contributed to humanity, how did I help.

"What did you do with your life?"

The answer I want to be able to speak is almost here.

I know it sounds probably wrong, but knowing and feeling what I have been through, I know exactly what I am looking for...I even have a list of those things whether it be a house, a relationship, a job, a business. I am not willing to settle for something that is not what I want. Now, that does not mean what I want is what is "best" or perfect or anything else. But what I want IS best and perfect for ME and my children.

One of the things I am looking for is somebody is is capable of listening to what I say and actually understanding it. Not coming back a million times to rekindle things that have been explained over and over and over again. Its annoying behavior.

I am very sorry that there are people in this world who cannot let somebody heal and do what they need to do without it becoming a painful experience for them. That sucks, for all parties involved. Mostly because the one person is in pain, but also because it makes it impossible for the one who is trying to heal, to concentrate on what they need to do.

If he would have been listening he would have heard himself complaining more about me, than I have complained about the intricacies of what I am trying to accomplish. In fact, I have not spoken of them at all other than what I have learned. I have complained about my hurt arm, and my doctors appointment and the windstorm and other external factors...but never what I am trying to accomplish internally. If he would have been listening, he would have heard himself time and time again say the same things over and over, and me trying to explain the case. If he would listen to what he says it would do us both a huge favor, because I break into tears everytime he starts up again and it will just take me longer to do what I need to do, mostly because I DO LISTEN.

Christmas Eve and all is well. The power came back on for all of the other buildings, all except half of one. Don't even bother asking. Of course its the half that I live in. It's funny and makes me laugh...

Really. It's just a bad B script now.

Everytime I call PSE there is a different person, or story about what the heck is going on with my power. I figure at the rate things are going there will be no Christmas at my place this year.

I am completely emotionally drained from this experience.

hmmm....I still don't have power.

So here's my question. If a windstorm can disable our little city for this long...what can an eaerthquake do?

Yeah...well the wind is permanantly stamped upon my ankle...

enough said.

So, it looks like my elbow will never be the same. It looks like an injury for life. Thrilling really. As if I don't have enough to deal with. I know that there should be something to learn from this....I hope there is. I keep telling myself that if I listen closely enough and do the right things that someday everything will be worth it. That all of the pain and sorrow, and tears all alone, will be worth everything that I try to endure with a smile. I know it will...I guess I am just having a pity party today...(please listen to tiny violins in the background).

The thing is a friend of mine emailed today about her special needs son...and that he's healed. I think it's great, I really do. I just have a hard time understanding why it isn't my child. I think back to when I was choosing paths for him, trying to make the right decisions. I think back to kneeling beside his bed as he slept, praying that it be "me", instead of him. Praying that God make me sick and heal him. I am sure she prayed the same things night after night. I am sure she cried the same tears. I am sure she felt the same heartache. It is very very rare for me to be jealous or covet something that somebody else has. But I want my son to be healed too....more than anything in the world...more than I want to live...

Ten little rules. They don't seem that difficult at first. Why does it end up being so much harder???

FYI- If the IEP goes badly today, I may find myself taking a very long vacation....